top of page
adjaynes

We provide therapy to people who don't "do feelings"


Man looking into the camera
Prefer facts and figures to emotions and feelings? This therapy is for you!

If feelings seem like a foreign language, waste of time, sign of weakness, or useless nonsense that get in the way of facts and figures, this post is for you!


Prefer evidence and the black-and-white data to the mushy, flighty world of emotion? Keep reading!


Tired of your partner trying to talk to you about how they feel and then getting angry when you try to solve the problem? You stick around, too.


I used to be exactly the same way. As a kid, I prayed, begging God to take away all of my feelings. They just caused trouble and got in the way, so I was done with them. I even studied psychology because I wanted to learn how to get rid of my feelings. I genuinely believed that there was something pathologically wrong with me because I could not turn off my emotions in the way that I wanted to. I was an expert in working hard, putting my nose to the grindstone, and performing, until I would reach a point that everything boiled over. I'd get sick, lose all motivation, or exhaust myself so throughouly that I had to stop. Then I would breathe, sleep, and start the whole cycle over again.


Now, I'm a therapist, helping couples break through rigid patterns of disconnection and build fulfilling relationships.


What changed my mind about emoitons? Learning the relational function of emotions and feeling like I could successfully manage/engage with emotion!


In their simplist definition, emotions are information: simply data about how we are experiencing a stimulus and what our nervous system predicts an outcome or risk to be. Imagine that you are walking down a wooded path and there is something squiggly lying across the road, about 10 feet ahead. It seems to be about two feet long and is dark in color. Suddenly you stop, heart pounding in your chest. Anxiety and fear have shown up! Your nervous system predicts that this object is a snake, potentionally venomous, and a danger to you. It motivates you to stop, slow down, and use care in how you proceed. All of that happens INSTANTLY - likely before you are aware of having a conscious thought about snakes or before you realize that this is no snake at all, but is actually a fallen tree limb across the path.


Now that you understand the basic purpose of emotions, let's talk about how they function in relationships. This time, imagine that your partner comes up to you this evening, looking quite serious and says "we need to talk." Instantly, your nervous system remembers this -- we've been here before, and nothing good comes after "we need to talk". They are pissed and about to tell you what you have done wrong. Danger! Danger! Danger! Your throat tightens up a bit, your breathing changes, and your nervous system predicts that if you say anything back, things are only going to get worse. They will be mad about whatever they need to "talk" about and that you are defending yourself. Somewhere along the way, you learned that the best thing to do when someone says "we need to talk" is to sit down and shut up. Do not engage, give minimal answers, and get out of there as quickly as possible, because you do not want to spend your Tuesday night arguing.


Makes sense, right? Except, things just went from "we need to talk" (bad) to "do you even care about me?" (worse). Here's why:


When you are trying not to engage, giving minimal answers, and trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible, your partner's nervous system taking in data and making it's own predictions. Their nervous system sees your minimal answers and trying to end the conversation as danger signals, and predicts that you don't actually care about them and that you might be pulling out of the relationship. Danger! Danger! Danger! Their face is turing red and tears are coming quickly. Their life has taught them that the best way to handle these dangerous moments is to force this conversation, no matter what. Rip that bandaid off, so they can get on with dealing with whatever the fall out is going to be. And now their reactive behavior is sending your nervous system into flight mode-- and now we are off to the races.


In marriage counseling (or relationship counseling - we work with many folks who aren't married, but are committed to each other), we help couples slow this process down and make sense out of what is happening. And you don't have to be a "feelings" person to become your own process consultant around emotions. You simply have to understand and recognize when emotions show up for you, what the emotions predict, and what your life as taught you was an effective strategy in those moments. Once you know that, you can share with your partner differently and change the process. And your partner can do the same.


Of course, your nervous system won't stop seeing sticks in the path and predicting snakes, but if we know that it's prone to do that, we can stop ourselves from having a heart attack on the trails! And we can respond differently!

1 view0 comments

Comments


bottom of page